I'm going to hell

Well, ok maybe not straight to hell...

Over the course of the last two days, I have completely lost patience with the sweetest child on earth, and killed all of the fish in my pond. Right now, I definitely feel like I deserve some sort of karmic punishment or something.

While I realize that it's completely normal to lose patience with a toddler, I feel guilty that I do sometimes. Yesterday morning, I sat down on the couch and put my cup of coffee (which I was really looking forward to, by the way) down on the coffee table. Jacob had his own juice and Froot Loops and was happily watching some cartoon on tv and should have paid no attention to my coffee cup. Wrong. He stuck out his little pointer finger and poked it. And then looked at me to see what I would do. I told him, "No touching mommy's cup." So he stuck out his finger again and poked it again, but just a little harder this time. I told him, "NO. You do not touch that." So he looked at me again with a smirk on his face and smacked it hard, and spilled the coffee all over the table, floor, couch, himself, me...and looked up at me as if to say, "Ok, mom. Now what are you gonna do about it?" And yelled. Loud. Not the crying kind of yelling, just yelling. The kind of yelling that is just noise. The kind of yelling that made me realize that ME yelling at HIM was going to sound just about the same, so really what was the point. So I picked him up and put him outside and let the dogs lick the coffee off of him. Is that bad? Spanking him will only teach him to hit when he is angry and screaming at an 18 month old just teaches him to scream when he doesn't get what he wants. And so the struggle over what is the right way to raise a child begins, I guess...

I was talking to Dan earlier this afternoon (after the earthquake! that I actually felt while in my car) and I was telling him about the Great Pacific Garbage Patch and we got to talking about recycling and environmental stuff. I told him that I am swearing off the plastic - no more plastic bags for me. I got one today from the farmers market, where I was shopping with the intention of trying to buy more local produce, and feel really horrible about it. Looking at that bag as I put it into my car, I couldn't help but think about the fact that that particular bag is going to be around FOREVER. Just to make it a little more convenient for me to carry my broccoli and squash the 50 feet from the store to the car. I'm not ok with that anymore. It made me think about how important it is to me that my kid understand that the choices he makes in his life won't affect just him, that it's not always right to just do what's easiest. So, when Dan and I got to talking about environmental issues and politics, I had a realization. Dan told me that he doesn't know much at all about who is running for president, nor is he really interested. While I AM interested because I have a child who's future will be shaped in part by our leaders, I LOVED the point he made about what matters to him. He said it doesn't matter to him what a politician says he's going to do - what matters to him is what HE himself says and does, how HE treats people. And I like that. It made me think about the realization I had when looking at that plastic bag - the best thing I can do for my kid is to be a good example for him. Whether that be recycling and composting and using organic products, or NOT hitting and yelling when I am upset, the best way I can figure to make sure my child turns out to be the kind of person I want him to be, is to be that person myself.

Like I told Dan, I'm kind of on a hippie kick lately, and while I am not going to stop using deodorant and shaving my armpits, I am going to try harder to be better at the whole "green" thing. It makes me feel good.

So while I was driving home tonight, I was feeling a little bit sad about leaving Jacob to spend the night at his grandma and grandpa's. I feel guilty that I have lost patience with him more than once over the last few days, and that guilt on top of the fact that I have never woken up in my house without him made me feel just a bit sorry to leave him. But, I was feeling good about my new resolve to be a better person and be a better example.

And then I pulled into my driveway and saw a small river running down onto it. I immediately knew what I had done...and it was bad. Earlier in the afternoon, I had watered plants around my yard and saw that my little pond could use some more water. So, I put the hose end in and turned it on. I thought to myself, "Don't forget to turn that off. It would be bad to leave it on while you are away for dinner." And then who knows where my next thoughts went, but they definitely did not return to that hose gushing water into the pond until I pulled into the driveway about 5 hours later.

I jumped out of the car and ran out to the backyard. I couldn't see well, but I could tell the flooding wasn't too bad - it would all be gone quickly. I ran over to the pond to check on my fish, and I saw NONE. I jumped into the pond, literally, and started shining the pond lights all over, looking for fish. I looked on the patio, the grass, scanning the whole area quickly in case someone had managed to jump out. Then I found a fish - a black comet who had actually been born in the pond. He looked ok...I started looking in the plants and I then found some very sad little fish bodies. I found one dead fantail, one mostly alive calico fantail, and then saw what I was dreading. I saw a big white belly. My big koi was belly up in the corner of the pond. I grabbed him and started swimming him through the water...he was not dead, but he was not doing well at all. I knew I needed to get the chlorine out of the water, since that was the major issue, but had nothing to treat the water with. And since it was late, PetSmart was closed. I was so upset, knowing that it was entirely my fault that my poor little fish were suffering any dying. I never even found my white koi or my other little fantail. I kept swimming the big guy through the water and Ben came out and saw my obvious distress...he told me to call my dad. I knew what he was going to tell me to do and that he was long since asleep, but Ben wanted to help and so called. After scaring my mom, Ben got on with my dad and was told basically to do what we were doing. Then I remembered that Wal-Mart was open so I rushed down there to get some StressCoat. By the time I got back, the big koi was pretty much gone, as was the little fantail that had been ok earlier. I treated the water and continued swimming the fish, kinda crying as I did it, seeing the futility in my efforts...

In the end, the only fish who made it was the black comet. I buried, with Ben's help, the two little goldfish...but just couldn't bring myself to give up on the big koi...we left him in the water just in case some miracle happens. I just couldn't pull him out til I was absolutely sure we had done everything...I will have to do it in the morning.

So, I was cranky to my sweet little boy and I tortured and killed all of my fish. And that's why I am going to hell.