Who Knew?

Sunday was June 21st.

Yes, it was Fathers' Day this year, but it also marks a significant day in my life.

June 21, 2001, was the day I arrived here in San Diego. It's been 8 years since I packed some things up in my little car and headed to the west coast.

I still clearly remember standing on the front lawn of mom and dad's house, feeling excited and sad at the same time. I knew I was doing the right thing...there was never really any doubt about that, but I also knew how much I would miss my family. At least I thought I knew how much I would miss my family. You can't quite prepare yourself for all of the little things you'll miss when you are so far away from the people you love so much.

As I sit here right now, I look back at the 22 year old version of myself that didn't think twice about packing up and moving across the country. Did I seem crazy? What was I thinking? San Diego is really far away from Buffalo, and I knew just one person there. And that one person was Ben Holko.

People ask me all the time, "So, what brought you out to San Diego?" My answer is, "A boy." It sounds silly, but it's true. Kind of. It wasn't just a boy. It was the boy. How in the world did I know this? We never dated, exactly. We never discussed plans for the future (which, to my frequent irritation, I now know to be the just the way it goes with Ben). I just knew, somehow, that it was the right thing to do.

And that's the crazy part. People have asked me, "How do you know? How do you know it's the right person?" Well, sadly, I don't have an answer for that. I suppose no one does, really. At least not in a way you can explain to anyone else. That's one of the big questions in life, I think. For me, it was just right. Anyone who has known me for a long time knows the relationship history that directly preceded my moving to California. Before I made the deciding trip to visit Ben, I had made peace with the fact that this previous relationship was just about as good as it was going to get. Perfect, no. Comfortably and reasonably happy, sure. I could live with it and move forward in life. And then I spent a Spring break here with Ben and knew immediately that comfortable and reasonably happy was not good enough. For either of us.

So Benjamin, this is about you. I'm here because of you, and I'll always be here because of you. The good things I have in my life are because of you. Eight years ago, I never imagined what life would be like right now. It's not that I pictured something different, it's just that I guess I never pictured it at all. I was so happy in the moment that right now was really all that mattered. And truly, that's all that matters today. Right now, I'm married to the nicest, most generous person in the world. I have a husband who has never once made me feel bad about myself, never once questioned my wants and desires, never made me feel like I was not important to him. We live in a comfortable house, with walls and a roof and nice things inside. I'm able to stay home with the most wonderful, beautiful child ever, because of you. I know I don't say it enough, but I am so thankful for all you've provided for our little family. And mostly, I'm thankful that because of you, there is Jacob. He has been such a bright, shiny part of my life since the day he was born. What a wonderful gift you've given me in him...and to think that there will be another piece of you running around this house soon! I'm lucky. I'm truly, truly lucky. And I'm so glad that I packed up my little car and followed my heart so many years ago.